I'm sorry, Steve. I’m truly sorry.
I’m not sorry. I am not sorry. Don't be sorry. Never be sorry.
-Wake up! -Wake up!
-Happy birthday! -Happy birthday!
Thank you.
Thank you. Give us a snuggle. Give us a kiss, sweetheart.
-Thank you very much. -Happy birthday.
-Oh, thanks! -Thank you.
-C'mon, me first! -No, read the card first.
-Why? -It's from both of us.
Okay. well, look, I don't know if I’m going to be able to read this.
My eyes aren't working too well at the moment. How do you get these open?
-Oh, come on! Let's get to the present! -Alright! Hang on, let's have a look.
He's out there watering already.
All he does is water.
-Does he water all day? -No.
He's a fat, fuckin' hairy...
...watering garden gnome. -What?
I said he's a fat, hairy, fuckin' watering garden gnome.
You were dead to the world when I came in last night.
Are you on those sleeping tablets again?
-Sometimes. -Last night?
I wish you'd try without them.
I’m alright.
Thank you.
Am I taking the kids to school?
Alexandra? Am I taking the kids to school today?
No, that's alright. Jane's picking them up.
-Sam? -Yep!
-Down here this instant! -Coming!
-Sammy, Sammy. -Oh, my head!
Buddy, are you okay? Give us a look. where?
what happened?
Oh, he fell into the doorjamb. He's all right. Alex?
-It hurts! -He's alright.
-Aren't you, little buddy? -It hurts!
Yeah, I know. Look at that dent in the wall!
-A couple of bills. Happy birthday. -Thanks.
The phone's overdue.
I don't know why you don't let me do the bill paying.
Yeah, I'll do it.
-Hey, dad. -Hey, princess.
-Done your teeth? -Yeah.
well, don't come out here when I’m smoking.
Don't smoke.
It’s my birthday. I’ll smoke if I want to.
what, like someone on death row before they die forever?
-Is that better? -Yep, that's better.
Now we're gonna brush our teeth, then.
-Yeah, I’ll do it. -''Yeah, I’ll do it''.
-What's in there that's so secret? -Nothing.
It’s a surprise.
You'll get the rest of your birthday present tonight.
I’ll look forward to it.
-I couldn't have a sneak preview? -Tonight.
Okay.
Gotta go.
See you tonight.
Oh, that's a great hug, tiger. You have a great day and I’ll see you tonight.
Bye, dad. See you.
You too, treasure. You have a lovely day. I’ll see you this evening.
-You're not gonna be late, are you? -No way! Not tonight!
-See you, dad. -Bye, dad.
See you, kids.
This is getting ridiculous.
we'll all burn to death in here one day.
Deadlocks are for when you're out of the house, not to lock yourself inside.
-Good day, Bill. How's the garden? -Good, Steve. Growing.
How's The Complete Home Security Company?
It’s growing too.
I’ll bet it is.
It works, eh?
Your house makes me very proud.
Okay.
There's a change of plan. You're not going to school today.
Yeah! Really?
More of dad's birthday surprise?
-That's naughty, mum. -Isn't it?
Okay, so come on, out of those school uniforms!
-And hang them up! -Alright!
-We've got out of school! Cool! -No homework!
No more homework for today.
-Morning, Steve. -Good morning, Duncan.
-Hi, Steve. -Good day, beautiful.
Sorry, kids.
Hello, Steve.
-Your appointments for this afternoon. -Thanks, Chris.
Don't forget you can't use the boardroom today.
-Why not? -Board meeting.
Yeah, that's good.
Here you go.
Hold it still, Emma.
It’s meant to be the same as yesterday, isn't it?
-Well, it is. -Good on you, Sam.
Here you go.
-Are you okay, mum? -Yeah. I’m just a bit sentimental.
where's mum?
Mum!
Go get her, will you?
Mum!
-Well? -Door's closed.
-My room's a mess. -So?
So it wasn't before and it is now.
You are a reject.
No, no, no, backspace, not return.
why doesn't this bloody thing do what I tell it to?
Steve, you're wanted in the boardroom.
Shit!
-Why ''shit''? -That can only mean one thing:
promotion, demotion. I’m fired or I’m retrenched.
well, that's four things.
But only one of them's acceptable to me.
-Will you still talk to me afterwards? -Steve.
we might be a little while, but I'd still like you to wait.
At 40 cents a minute, you can take as long as you like.
There's been another change of plans. A big change.
Bye, mum. See ya!
Bye!
Bye.
See ya!
Bye.
what the fuck? Not another one!
You fuckin' little hairy garden gnome!
No, no, no. This is too much, Alexandra!
Christine!
where have the photos of my kids gone?
-I couriered them to your wife. -You what? why?
It’s a surprise, Steve.
I’m ready.
You're wanted in the boardroom, Steve.
That bloke from the bank's gonna be here in less than five minutes.
They said to come now.
-Happy birthday, Steve. -Yeah, yeah.
we've had that. This one's different.
Is that all?
Yes, that's all, Steve.
Come on, Alex, pick up the phone!
Can I buy you a drink? Double celebration.
No way. Absolutely have to be home on time tonight.
Can't be late for my own surprise party.
what? Haven't been invited?
Geez, you're a good actor!
See you tonight!
Let's party Come on, it's gonna be a big party
Hey baby, don't tell me no lies This birthday party is a big surprise!
Hey, Bill, what's happened? Not watering tonight?
I don't know, I don't know...
I tell you, in this weather, those plants are just going to shrivel up and die.
Surprise!
Shit.
Anybody here?
Shit.
Jesus!
-Is it going now? -Yep. It’s on.
Going?
Honey?
-Emma! Over here! We're over here! -I've nearly done it. Yes, I know.
-Video us! -You'd better hang on then!
-No, not yet. -You got us? Yeah?
-No, not yet. -Can you see me?
-Gotcha! -You right?
-Hello, darling. Happy birthday. -Happy birthday, dad!
Yeah, yeah. Happy birthday. Now tell me what's going on.
Now, before we get too far into this...
I want you to go to the fridge and get yourself a beer...
and then sit down and watch.
Go on.
Put us on pause, get yourself a beer. We'll still be here when you get back.
-Go on! -Are we on pause now?
Okay.
Yes?
I’ll assume you've paused us before now...
and that you're back with your beer.
-Emma? The drinks, darling. -Can I have the blue one?
-Cheers! -Cheers, dad!
-Cheers! -Go on! Cheers!
-Cheers! -Cheers!
-Cheers, dad!
-Cheers! -Go on. Cheers!
Cheers!
-This is nice. -Say goodbye to your father now.
I’m going to come up with the adults only bit.
Bye, dad. We hope you have a happy birthday...
and hope you like your presents as much as we liked making it for you.
Thanks, Emma.
Bye, dad. We hope you liked your birthday and you liked your presents...
-As much as we... -...as much as we liked...
...making it for you. -Thanks, Sam.
-Bye, dad. See you. -Bye.
They've gone.
Steve, I decided a different sort of birthday present...
was in order this year.
So here it is.
The tape machine! Just hold on a minute.
It’s a pity I don't know how the camera remote works...
or this'd be smoother.
Right. Your present.
Fuck!
I’m not very good at this, but I’ll try my best.
Alex...
The...?
where has this come from?
I didn't time that very well, did l?
what are you doing? Don't stop! Turn it back on!
I’m still here, Steve.
-I’m just thinking about what to do. -Well, turn it back on!
No, I can never think with you watching me.
Should I rewind the music and continue?
Yes! Yes! Rewind the tape!
I can't think, 'cos I know you'll be listening.
And I hope you're not laughing at me.
Oh, come on, Alex!
Rewind the tape!
No, I don't think I’ll rewind the music yet.
Let's talk for a minute, first.
Now, just a moment.
It’s our wedding photo, Steve.
I just wanted to show you that before we started.
First of all, I want to thank you for being...
by most definitions, such a good father and provider.
The kids love you, and you love them.
And you do try your best with them. I see that and I recognize that.
Thank you.
They're good kids, aren't they?
If there's one thing we've sort of done right it's the kids.
But it's not enough, Steve.
''Good kids'' is not enough.
You can hardly fail to have noticed that I’m not very happy.
-That's an understatement. -That's an understatement, really.
The truth is I’m actually very unhappy.
I’m feeling a bit cold.
I never used to be unhappy so I must have a lot to be unhappy about.
Darling, I’ve heard all this before.
There's nothing going on here that a little Prozac wouldn't fix.
Or some effort at helping yourself.
Happy birthday.
Jesus!
...and I know you're a consummate liar, Steve.
So don't think I don't know you get a bit on the side.
Who is she, Steve?
Or more politely, who are they?
You've run my life into the ground, Steve.
And what have I got? No choices.
No rights.
No money other than what you make me beg for.
I’ve got nothing!
Not even me!
I don't exist!
So I may as well not exist!
Not loaded.
More's the pity.
Now just give me a minute.
But keep watching. There's some really good bits coming up.
Jesus Christ!
Being a bit rough on you, aren't l?
Getting a bit tight.
Must be a size too small.
That's better. Isn’t it, Steve?
Get the blood circulating a bit better.
I have to look after them...
they're one of the few assets I have, aren't they?
But unfortunately they're not.
They're not an asset, Steve, they're liability.
The thing I’ve been leading to with all this...
and please forgive my erratic behavior...
is that three days ago...
this biopsy confirmed...
that I have breast cancer.
Left breast is absolutely riddled.
Right breast on the way.
It’s already in my lymph nodes.
I left it too late. I was scared.
I’m a mess, as you can see.
I have a 50-50 chance of surviving it.
My breasts have no chance.
You'd better take a good look at them now...
because they're coming off next week.
Both of them.
A double radical mastectomy.
I’m scared, Stevie.
I tried to tell you, but I didn't know where to begin.
But I’m being brave about it.
I’ll send the kids away for a few weeks, Jane will look after them.
We'll see what happens.
Will you come and visit me, Steve, in the hospital?
You won't want to see me without breasts, will you?
I won't be a real woman anymore.
Steve! I’m cured!
Look! No biopsy, no cancer!
They're almost as good as they ever were!
Had you going then, didn't l? Hope you can take a joke.
But, you know, it does make me think...
maybe I should have a breast makeover.
Jesus, you are sick! You are fucking sick!
...makeover?
Bigger. Silicone?
No, I don't think so.
''More than a handful's a waste.'' Isn’t that what you say?
Have them lifted.
They stand up quite well, don't you think?
I know! Maybe I should have my nipples pierced.
Would you like that? Pierced nipples? Yes?
Well, that's even something I could do myself.
In fact, I could do it now so you can watch.
Found one and I’ve burnt the end of it already so you wouldn't have...
to sit through the boring bit. Considerate, aren't l?
Now, let's see... see if I’m brave enough to do it.
I think... I think they stick it in the side.
I think I have to push harder.
There's blood here, Steve.
I don't know if you can see it, but there's blood.
Can you see it?
I don't know how anyone can do it.
-Not yet. -What the fuck...?!
Ignore that, honey. It wasn't meant to happen.
Ignore it? How the fuck can I ignore that?
That's him.
It’s that fucking hairy-handed, watering garden gnome!
I don't know how anyone can do it.
-Not yet! -Shut up...
Ignore that, honey. It wasn't meant to happen.
Shut up.
Right.
That's it. This is enough!
Enough is enough!
You bastard!
Fuck!
This is not funny, Alex.
Fuck!
I can hardly go outside and have one, can l?
I wonder what other tricks you've got hidden away...
in that sick little mind of yours.
Ignore that, honey. It wasn't meant to happen.
That was not meant to happen.
Perhaps we'd better forget about the nipple piercing...
and get down to serious business.
I hope you're still watching.
You remember our wedding night, Steve?
I do.
Almost every minute of it.
You wanted me. You needed me.
You touched me everywhere.
Even in my heart.
And the next morning it was the same.
You didn't let me get dressed the whole day.
You wanted nothing but me.
You made me feel so special.
And that night...
And it was even more adventurous.
And then the next day you still didn't want us to get dressed.
You wanted to see my naked body always.
To feel it on and on.
To touch it and to explore it...
and pleasure it.
And the next day... and the next...
until I realized it had nothing to do with me.
That it was just between you and my body.
You hadn't married me, you'd married my body.
You didn't need me, you only needed my body.
Isn’t that right?
And then, only weeks later...
before I could do anything l discovered I was pregnant with Emma.
Then what could I do?
It’s a long time since you made them talk to each other, Steve.
''Hi. I’m Alexandra.''
''Hi. I’m Steve.''
Do you have any idea how I felt whenever you did that?
I don't suppose you do.
I felt like a cow.
I felt like a mother ape in a zoo!
It wasn't like that.
That's our marriage, Steve. You and my naked body.
And as long as I gave you access to my body...
you were satisfied that the marriage was going well.
And you were content to give lip service to all those other things...
that are supposed to be part of a marriage...
like affection and respect, and mutual support, and togetherness...
''Togetherness''!
You think togetherness is both of us naked in the same bed...
while you grope my tits and ass and finger my cunt!
Groping is easy, Steve. Anyone can do it.
Okay, that's enough. That's enough.
Sorry, Steve. I got a bit carried away there.
I think you should look carefully now, Steve.
Pay attention.
Because I’m going to take my panties off...
and you know where that usually leads us.
See, Steve?
My naked body.
The body you used to love so much.
The body you're still married to, for better or for worse.
a little the worse since the kids. But still your body.
Take a good look at it.
You'll be able to look at this body...
this tape, again and again.
So...
Right down to nothing. Nothing hidden anymore.
Time to talk about ''the tunnel of love''.
Hard for me to call it anything else after all this time.
It’s precious to me, Steve.
It’s private.
It’s mine.
So what do you do?
At first you just look for opportunities to stick that thing of yours in.
That's what you do, Steve, you stick it in and move it round a bit...
at every available opportunity.
And then when there aren't enough opportunities...
to satisfy your endless need, you begin to pressure me.
Never so much as to be offensive.
You're too smart for that.
But a constant pressure.
Always knocking on the door, asking to come in.
Never waiting to be invited in.
Then comes the finger.
The finger that's like an octopus that suddenly manages...
to find its way into the ''tunnel of love''...
at the most unexpected moments...
when maybe all I’m wanting is some affection...
or I’m in the shower and suddenly you're in there too...
with your finger, or I’m at the sink washing up...
and suddenly you come up behind me and there's the finger.
Why do you think I never wear skirts or dresses anymore?
Worse is when I’m asleep and l wake up to find your finger inside me.
Sneakily trying to get me excited...
so that you can stick your thing in and move it round a bit.
Then, Steve, there's this:
you smuggle one of these into bed with us...
and when I’m ready to receive you into my ''tunnel of love''...
you insert the cucumber, pretending it's you.
The cucumber was a turning point, Steve.
Because I realized how far gone you were, how obsessed.
Did you select the right sized one at the supermarket...
knowing what you were going to be doing with it?
And when you paid for it, did you think about sticking it up the cashier?
How many previous nights had you smuggled it into bed...
hoping to be able to use it?
What goes on in that mind of yours...
to think it would be okay to stick it in me without asking me?
That's what I should have done to you then.
And that's the beauty of this video, Steve. I can say what I want to say.
I can say the things you never let me say.
I can say them without being interrupted or without being...
talked over the top of, without being told I wouldn't know...
or I have peculiar ideas.
Then, finally, there's this:
Nice birthday present, Steve. I really appreciated it.
''What did you get for your birthday, mum?''
''Oh, a vibrator, darling.''
''Your father's trying to improve our sex lives...
but he wouldn't have a clue.''
Do you know what this is, Steve?
I’ll tell you what this is. This is a machine.
It’s a machine you bought to go inside me so that you can get your rocks off.
Don't say it was for me because it wasn't.
If I wanted one I would have bought myself one long ago.
What does this thing make me in your eyes? Just another machine.
You can stick this up your ass if it gives you so much pleasure!
Who are you, Steve?
How can you need this part of me and not this part. Not me?
But I’ve learnt from you, Steve.
I don't need you anymore.
See? I’m doing it myself.
I don't need any part of you.
I don't even need your money.
I’ve made some money of my own.
Yes, really!
Don't you ever wonder what I do all day?
When the kids are at school, day after day?
I’ll tell you what I do.
I make money.
And I’ll show you how.
I’m ready.
Don't.
Don't do this.
This is how I’ve made my money, Steve.
Although this one's free, for services rendered.
Don't do this!
It’s my choice, Steve. That's the difference.
I’m going to kill you.
We'd better do it again, Steve. Better go on.
Can never have too much of a good thing, can we?
Same again?
Or something different?
You want to see me ''cop that up the ass'', as you so delicately put it?
''I’d like to see that bastard next door cop it up the ass some day.''
Isn’t that what you say?
Well, here's your chance to see that bastard next door give it up the ass.
No?
What's the matter?
Don't you like your birthday present?
Alex...
My name is Alexandra.
what?
How many times do I have to say? I hate Alex.
I hate it when you call me that. I have a name. It’s Alexandra.
This is the tricky part, Steve.
what?
This is where you discover the remote doesn't work anymore.
well, you're here, but... but I rewound you.
I paused you.
It’s one of life's mysteries, Steve.
You're mad. you're completely mad.
Yes, I’m mad, but not in the way you think.
Remember that bullet you received in your mobile phone?
There's another just like it pointed at you this very moment.
So be a good boy and sit down in your armchair.
Do it, Steve.
Thank you.
I just want to finish this the way I planned it.
You need help, Alexandra. You need treatment.
It’s always the first thought, isn't it, when a woman...
takes action against her husband?
Now we come to the best part of your birthday present:
your final humiliation.
Although this one needs to be pretty good and permanent to make up...
for the years that I went through.
This one's different to the one you've just seen, Steve.
That was pre-recorded. This one's live!
It'll all be happening right in front of your eyes.
Are you ready?
Are you ready, Steve?
What? Not playing talkies? It’s alright by me.
You can go, then.
You think I’m watching you, don't you?
Gotcha.
He's back! He's back on the air!
You're back, Steve.
But I can't see you very well. Are you watching?
No. I’m not watching.
At least you're listening.
-Where are you? -None of your business.
You're getting the hang of this a little faster than I’d hoped.
We're gonna have to cut it short.
Looks like you won't get the last part of your birthday present.
Good!
In fact, you'll never get another present from me again.
well, that makes me very, very happy.
And well it might.
What makes you so very happy, Steve, is Emma and Sam.
-There you are. -What about Emma and Sam?
I’ve taken considerable trouble, Steve...
to eradicate them from your life.
You'll never see them again.
Nor will you find a single photograph of them.
I’ve taken every one.
Baby photos, recent photos...
the photos from your office.
Even the photos from your wallet.
There's nothing of them left for you to ever see.
Soon...
Emma and Sam will begin to fade a little from your memory.
You'll start to forget little details about them.
And one day, you won't even be able to remember their faces.
And then your life will be completely empty.
I got promoted today.
Well, it's a pity Emma and Sam will never know.
They'd have been proud of you.
But they'll soon enough forget you too.
what have I done to deserve this?
I’ll tell you what you've done, Steve.
You've constantly made me feel the way you do now!
I thought we had an okay marriage. Not perfect, but okay.
I mean, you love me, we both love the kids.
where are the kids?
Oh, my taxi has arrived.
This is goodbye, Steve.
You can't touch me.
You'll never find me.
I’ll be somewhere far, far away...
with the children.
I hope you have a happy life with yourself.
No.
No, don't do this!
Happy birthday, Steve.
I have a license to use this on intruders.
In my line of business it pays to be friendly with the cops.
Please, Steve...
...make yourself comfortable. -Where's Alexandra?
She's gone, my friend.
Gone.
Sit down, please.
Have this one.
And we'll have another one later, after I call the police.
Duty officer, please.
You've had a bad day. Have another one.
who's that?
Ah, Rob. How are you? It’s Bill. Bill Con.
Listen, I’ve got a bloke bailed up here. He broke into my house.
well, he smashed his way in...
with an idea of doing some damage to my person.
Very funny, really.
No, no, no. I’m not going to press any charges.
He's understandably a little bit drunk and a lot upset.
well, just come over here when you have time. Pick him up.
Hold him overnight and cool him down a bit.
when you're ready. Thank you, Rob. Bye.
He thought it was very funny...
that The Complete Home Security Company was broken in.
Ah, these cops! They've got a sense of humor.
Probably you neglected to bring your own.
You look like shit.
I feel really sorry for you, Steve.
You are going to suffer for a while.
She's a very intelligent woman.
Your wife.
Very clever.
She's not as smart as she thinks she is.
I’ve got the tape.
Oh yes, you are meant to have it.
I’ve got the kids.
She forgot the kids were on the tape.
I’ve still got them.
well, I’m really sorry, but...
when you locked up I must go to your place and...
erase them.
That's the final part of my contract.
She thought of everything.
She's a great woman.
She's mad.
Crazy.
Some years ago my wife left me...
and I was certain that she was mad.
There was no doubt about it.
But then later I met her and I understood that she was not.
For it was I who caused her to be that way.
She was not mad.
I drove her mad, but she was not mad.
It’s a funny thing.
It’s time to go.
wait a minute!
Let's go.
Come on.
I’ll tell you what I’ll do for you.
She will never know this.
I’ll leave a little bit of your kids on the tape.
You'd do that for me?
Just a little bit.
-Thank you. -That's okay.
By the way, come and visit me when they let you go.
I’ll give you your new keys.
After all, you paid for them.
Shit!
Is Alexandra in?
Mistress Alexandra?
-Cheers, dad! -Cheers.